Arizona Evidence Room
This piece was written in response to my lamentable failure to find 16 words in the November 11, 2023, NYT Spelling Bee puzzle. All 16 words are included, in bold type, in this story. The missed words, in alphabetical order, are as follows: Feign, Feigning, Felon, Fief, Floe, Gelee, Genie, Genii, Glen, Innie, Legion, Lifelong, Loonie, Negligee, Noogie, and Oleo.
“I feel like some convicted felon stuck in this little room with a legion of documents to kill,” muttered Jason to the lawyer seated next to him. “We’ve been here all morning.”
“Maybe you feel like a felon,” answered Mindy, “because we’re locked in here with all the seized contraband. If we stay another hour, I’ll be loonie from all the weed. There must be tons of it.”
Mindy and Jason were young lawyers sent on a document review. This was the single most boring job a young associate could undertake to fulfill the month’s billable hours requirement. Their specific task was to double-check that disputed documents filed under seal with the court did in fact contain information protected by attorney-client privilege. The Arizona court kept documents filed under seal in the locked evidence room.
“Maybe we should just give in and enjoy ourselves,” Jason suggested, searching for Bob Marley on Spotify.
“Enjoy document review? This is hardly my lifelong dream.” Mindy was feigning ignorance. She knew exactly what Jason meant. He was already swaying to the stoner music. “I shot the sheriff,” Jason sang at the top of his lungs.
“You can’t sing that song from the evidence room in the courthouse, moron! Pick a different one,” Mindy protested, reaching toward him.
“What’re you going to do? Give me a noogie?” Jason taunted.
“I could. I grew up with three brothers. But I wanted your phone.”
Jason switched to “Jamming.” Another hour went by.
“There must be a shit-ton of weed in here,” Jason observed. “Got any leftovers from that swanky breakfast?”
“I can’t believe you asked for oleo,” Mindy laughed as she pulled the to-go boxes from her bag. Mocking their waiter, she went on, “‘Certainly, sir, Miranda will bring some beurre doux right away.’ It was the same when I asked for jam. ‘But of course, would you prefer the gooseberry gelee with elderberry or the rhubarb with dandelion?’”
She couldn’t stop giggling. Her face hurt from smiling.
“’I am Francois. This is my fief,” Jason joined in, laughing. “The names of all the food I serve you today shall be pretentious with too many syllables!”
As they scarfed down the two leftover croissants and the lemon pound cake Mindy had been saving for later, “Stir it Up,” was streaming from the phone.
After a few minutes and as many documents, Jason grew serious. “Mindy, tell me, if a genie flew out of this banker’s box of correspondence, what would you wish for?”
“How many wishes do I get?”
“Just one.”
“Well, then, I’d wish for an innie,” said Mindy decisively.
“Huh?”
“I don’t like my belly button.”
They both laughed so hard that Mindy snorted.
“What about you,” she choked out between gasps. “What would you wish for?”
Jason didn’t hesitate, “To see you in a negligee.”
Bob Marley was asking with great earnestness, “Is this love, is this love, is this love, is this love that I’m feeling?”
“What the hell, Jason! Did you learn nothing in that workplace harassment seminar? I wouldn’t wear a negligee for you if two dozen genii surfed down a magical ice floe through a Scotland glen and offered me a hundred wishes and a whole case of Macallan!”
Jason did his best to feign insult. But they both cracked up again.
“Did we eat all the leftovers?” Mindy asked. “I wish you’d get a genie in here to bring us some donuts.”
Just then, one of the security guards knocked to ask if they needed anything.
“Killjoy,” Jason muttered.
“Thanks, I think we would like to break for some fresh air,” Mindy answered.
The guard unlocked the door and the lawyers stepped out. He gave them a look. “There’s a donut shop not too far away on Congress. If you need a snack.” Then he winked.
Mindy and Jason made it out the courthouse doors before they bent at the waist and laughed until their sides hurt. They knew then and there it was the best document review they’d ever work on.
